This Addiction

While I was listening to the song This Addiction by Alkaline Trio, I realized that there was actually a lot of truth behind what they are saying; love and relationships are an addiction, a drug that people desire.

The end of the world as we know it

The people I know who are in relationships always seem to be in one, or if not in one, are actively and fully looking to be in another one even though they say they don't want to date for awhile. Withdrawal perhaps? Then you have my type where we date very few and very far between. It's been so long since my first girlfriend that I don't even remember what it was like having one. I just remember it being a good feeling, knowing that someone out there is probably thinking about you.

So is either option "better?" Jumping from relationship to relationship, experience the extremes of both sadness and happiness. Do people who do this seriously consider the next person they date, or just rush into it to get their addiction satisfied?

Or is it better to cruise, feeling sad-ish that you're not in a relationship and feeling those moments of happiness, but avoiding the sadness and difficulty of them? Is it better to seriously consider any relationship and likely not pursue it out of fear of rejection or getting hurt?

I guess in the end, we all just want to be wanted...

Pocket Knife of Life

There's a bathroom right outside of the design lab that I frequently use since I'm always in lab and it's convenient. Today was no exception since I had a biochem test to study for, and massive amounts of coffee to keep me awake from last night's shenanigans.

So in this bathroom, there's a huge-ass lock that you twist to engage. I went in to the bathroom and the fucking handle to the lock falls off. I thought it was no big deal since I could just go to another bathroom, but then I realized that it locked, THEN the handle fell off. Two things went through my head: whoever put the lock handle back on when it was broken was a giant dick, and how the hell am I going to get out of this bathroom.

Now, normal people would call for help when someone passed by or use their cell phone to call someone. I didn't have my cell phone on me and I didn't want to wait for a long time for someone to get help and bust down the giant metal door. In fact, I'm pretty sure it would have involved some big torches or axes, and it just would have sucked all around. Furthermore, it would have taken forever and I had stuff to do. Incredibly stupidly in hindsight, I thought, "I wonder if I can get out of here without any help?"

I tried putting the handle back in and trying to turn it back, but it wasn't turning at all. Then I tried to grab the little metal sliver with my hands and turning it, but that wasn't working either. I then realized that I had my pocket knife, so I whipped that out and tried to leverage the metal strip thingie to unlock the door, to no avail. I then saw 4 screw on the lock, so I used my pocket knife to unscrew these. I expected the lock to open up so I could see inside, but the thing didn't move at all. SO THEN, I tried to use my pocket knife to separate the lock box from the door, and it loosened a little. I pushed and pulled the lox box up and down as hard as I could and the thing finally came off. I opened the door and went back to work.

Two lessons learned: I'm too independent for my own good, and pocket knifes save lives. Or study time anyways.

Procrastination

Came across this while not doing my neuro homework. Love it! :
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"The Square Root of Three"

I’m sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
...Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun,
as 1.7321
Such is my reality,
a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

- Dave Feinberg

Partial Catharsis

There is a part of my chest, slightly below and to the right of my heart (from my perspective) that I think these things called "emotions" are located. Whenever something emotionally stimulating happens, it always seems to be this area that reacts the most, then the rest of my body can decide to act if it wishes.

Somewhere in my upbringing, my personality decided that showing excessive emotion was something I didn't want to do, so whenever this "emotion" center acts up, I tend to do nothing about it. Hence, most of the time I have a neutral face on, not showing emotion one way or the other. Annoying people think that I'm sad all the time for some reason because I don't have a giant grin on my face every fucking second of the day. People who know me better know that I'm not really feeling a strong emotion one way or the other (or just lost in my own thoughts (or tired)).

Also somewhere in my upbringing, I really really hate showing sadness on any level. If something really sad happens, I'll tend to bury it and keep my neutral face on. Why? I dunno, call me machismo or whatever, but I'm not the type of person to break down and cry if I hear a sad story. I probably feel it in the "emotion" center, but I won't express much facially or physically.

If something small happens that makes me happy or laugh, I'll definitely drop the neutral face and smile; ain't nothing wrong with that!

Why do I bring this up?

1) People seem to have mislabeled me as some continual sad/angry person, and I'm not. My neutral expression is just that: neutral. Not sad or angry, I'm just not feeling anything one way or the other. I have a hard time expressing "emotion" every time the slightest thing happens. Sue me.

2) Still one of the greatest emotions I have a hard time not expressing is rejection. As rejection letters keep coming in from medical schools, I see my chances keep fading that I can get in for this year, meaning I have to start studying for the MCAT again and go through the entire process of committee, secondaries, AMCAS, application fees, and my own disappointment. I have never failed to accomplish something major, and I don't feel like starting now.

This is continually in the back of my mind. ALWAYS! Whatever I'm doing, it's back there, whispering and taunting that I'm not good enough to be a doctor yet somehow adding 3 points to my MCAT score will make me more qualified. It's incredibly frustrating to me that this is how the system works, but there is nothing I can do about it except play the game.

This is the current source of my anger and frustration. It's not some personality trait, so quit telling me what emotions you think I'm feeling; believe it or not, I KNOW WHAT I'M FEELING!!!!!!

5th item in Google image search for catharsis.