Anonymous letter reply from MLI

"I'm not interested in a relationship while in med school."

It wasn't that blunt or said with just monotony, but that was pretty much the highlight. Play by play post later? Probably not. Time to enjoy home and move on to the next one.

Anonymous letter: to MLI

"I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can." -Holden Caulfield

To MLI,

What is there to say? I've been enamored for so long now, it just seems like common place; just a part of my life where you are always on the periphery, but not so far that I can’t see you.

I’m not sure what it first was. I’ve always been a sucker for dark hair and bright eyes. And yours are so green and bright, combined with your glowing smile, what’s there not to be attracted to? Then I found out how smart you are, your love for the outdoors, and soccer knowledge; it’s a killer combination to say the least!

However, being the machine that I am, I have often thought that there is no point in starting a relation right now, especially with another med student. Where are you going to be in 4 years? Where am I going to be in 4 years? I know I want to go back to Colorado to practice medicine, but what about you? Who the fuck has the time for a relationship anyways? I barely have time for individual thoughts outside of medicine, let alone trying to spend meaningful time with another person. Hell, almost every person at our school who was married or in a serious relationship before medical school is now divorced or on another relationship. Why would it be different for us?

Honestly, I thought I was over you a couple of months ago. One very real lesson I learned in undergraduate is that if I am the one always asking to hang out, and she never does, nor feels any sort of obligation to return my favors, then she doesn’t give a shit about me. She just wants your attention, but nothing more. So I applied that to this situation as well, and I completely backed off from you; no texts, no emails, no stupid fucking small talk in the hallways.

I felt better. Not great, but better, like waking up one day and finding out that you finally got rid of that nagging back pain. THEN I got my first choice in rotation spot! THEN I got my first choice in rotation order! THEN I found out that one of my friends is also going the same area! I was on cloud 9! Things were finally looking up, and I was both ready and excited for the future!!!

But a few days later, you HAD to text me, and say, “Guess who is going to *insert rotation city* with you?”

Oh, that sinking feeling in my chest! That constriction you get when someone tells you bad news, but you’re not quite sure how to react. The thought that I couldn’t escape your green eyes and glowing smile by living in another city, and you would always be so close for the next two years, weighed on me heavily.

I started justifying it. “Well, now we’ll be in the same place for at least 2 years, there is no reason for us not to try dating. Right? Right?!?!?!?” I was second guessing my previous thoughts, and lost in comparing the pros and the cons and what if this happens but what if that happened and then we would be close but so far and what if...

Then you asked me to hang out. You showed me you cared. You said I was one of the very few people here that isn’t a shallow, childish piece of shit. You said you were really glad that I was going with you to a new city.

You smiled your glowing smile… you flashed your green eyes…

Now I’m trapped all over again.

Your helpless captive, now and for a while longer,

The Snackrifice