The Year in Pictures

Recap of the year, in pictures only:

Midnight thoughts on my iPod

Stream of consciousness, laying on my back in my bed, with an iPod touch, 12:30AM on Christmas day

I'm lying in bed currently, trying to type on an iPod and seriously fucking struggling to get a comfortable position to type and try to lull asleep for Christmas festivities tomorrow. I'm listening to Maybe by Kaskade, a song I picked up on YouTube that has somehow been playing nonstop in my ears sine I found it up. By the time I finish this sentence though, the music has changed to PNAU's Embrace (Remix). Every night before I fall for serious asleep, there's a good hour before I actually fall physically asleep. In this time, my mind wanders, and I'm hoping to capture some of the stupid shit that goes through my head in writing, for kicks and mostly because a have a real hard time calming my buzzing mind for sleep.

The music changes to So Far Away by Kaskade (I'm in a Kaskade heavy playlist and recently found I really like his stuff. Sue me). I pause, trying to gather my thoughts as the singer's voice starts. The lyric " everything I run from staring right back at me" sticks in my mind for some reason.

I shift to my side, the goddamn screen rotates so I get all sorts of messed up.

I stop and wonder WTF I'm doing this for. Reading this would bore the shit out of me, let alone my one lone reader Double D.

I'm just....so tired of feeling like I'm not moving forward with ANYTHING. All aspects of my life: school, health, future plans, friends, this thing we call love. It's all stagnant, just sitting still like a bowl of water that was left outside for far too long, just begging to be hit, knocked over, shot onto space, SOMETHING to break this monotony of school, rejection, application, rejection, test I don't care about, homework that teaches me nothing relevant, living like I'm waiting for someone to tell me that it's finally OK to take that step forward and start your fucking life.

Song changes to 4AM. I pause and contemplate actually posting this for the world to see. What if someone randomly finds my blog? Why do I care? This is really how I feel. Trapped in a cage, and an acceptance to medical school holds the key.

The music stops. End of the playlist. Now I feel empty without the comfort of familiar music distracting a large part of my mind.

1AM now. These 30 minutes have seemed like minute while a raged on my touchscreen about the angst I feel. Close my eyes, deep breath, clear my mind, think of what's happening today.

I start the music again with Wet Sand. Slowing down touchscreen rage. Surprised you would read this far. Even more surprised that I actually posted this.

Wide awake, hoping the night will reveal my future.

I hope I can sleep tonight....

Song ends, post ends, catharsis complete. I feel much better, ready for another day!

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Merry Christmas! Cheers to the future, which cannot come soon enough!!!!!

When X met Y, who both met Z

Interesting conversation today. For the sake of privacy, let's say two people, X and Y, are BFF's. X and Y both like the same person, Z, who is a mutual friend. Z's a one-of-a-kind babe, so both are considering pursuing her.

Lame love triangle right? But what if X is aware that Y is interested in Z, but Y is not aware? Here's a diagram to illustrate with Jessica Alba playing the part of Z:
The person I was talking to was X, and I had no idea what to tell him. That's an uber sticky situation, if you know what I'm saying. If X made a move on Z, KNOWING that Y is interested, isn't he knowingly hurting his BFF? What if X and Z go out? Doesn't X feel guilty? How does Y react if that happens?

The alternative would be for X to do nothing, and then watch if Y makes a move on Z. How shitty is that? How does X act when he has to hang out with Y and Z? Does he suck it up for the sake of his friend's happiness?

I couldn't help him. I would have no idea what to do in that situation. Have a board meeting with everyone involved and spell it out?

I think the Wizard of Oz said it best when he said: "As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable."

Hope it works out for you X...

Sweet Vid

I love it, both as music and how it is made

Never-Ending Blunder by Koh

Never-Ending Blunder

You look at me with eyes of longing,

For me to speak my mind.

You want to know what I'm thinking,

So all my thoughts unwind.

You desire the thoughts I keep,

But mostly what I think of you.

I wish I could tell you what you seek,

So maybe someday you'll tell me too.

A continuous cycle of silence,

We endlessly pursue.

We are always under the pretense,

Of saying, "How are you?"

It seems I'll always wonder,

If holding on to my true thoughts,

Might be my never-ending blunder.

-Koh

http://xkcd.com/817/

This Addiction

While I was listening to the song This Addiction by Alkaline Trio, I realized that there was actually a lot of truth behind what they are saying; love and relationships are an addiction, a drug that people desire.

The end of the world as we know it

The people I know who are in relationships always seem to be in one, or if not in one, are actively and fully looking to be in another one even though they say they don't want to date for awhile. Withdrawal perhaps? Then you have my type where we date very few and very far between. It's been so long since my first girlfriend that I don't even remember what it was like having one. I just remember it being a good feeling, knowing that someone out there is probably thinking about you.

So is either option "better?" Jumping from relationship to relationship, experience the extremes of both sadness and happiness. Do people who do this seriously consider the next person they date, or just rush into it to get their addiction satisfied?

Or is it better to cruise, feeling sad-ish that you're not in a relationship and feeling those moments of happiness, but avoiding the sadness and difficulty of them? Is it better to seriously consider any relationship and likely not pursue it out of fear of rejection or getting hurt?

I guess in the end, we all just want to be wanted...

Pocket Knife of Life

There's a bathroom right outside of the design lab that I frequently use since I'm always in lab and it's convenient. Today was no exception since I had a biochem test to study for, and massive amounts of coffee to keep me awake from last night's shenanigans.

So in this bathroom, there's a huge-ass lock that you twist to engage. I went in to the bathroom and the fucking handle to the lock falls off. I thought it was no big deal since I could just go to another bathroom, but then I realized that it locked, THEN the handle fell off. Two things went through my head: whoever put the lock handle back on when it was broken was a giant dick, and how the hell am I going to get out of this bathroom.

Now, normal people would call for help when someone passed by or use their cell phone to call someone. I didn't have my cell phone on me and I didn't want to wait for a long time for someone to get help and bust down the giant metal door. In fact, I'm pretty sure it would have involved some big torches or axes, and it just would have sucked all around. Furthermore, it would have taken forever and I had stuff to do. Incredibly stupidly in hindsight, I thought, "I wonder if I can get out of here without any help?"

I tried putting the handle back in and trying to turn it back, but it wasn't turning at all. Then I tried to grab the little metal sliver with my hands and turning it, but that wasn't working either. I then realized that I had my pocket knife, so I whipped that out and tried to leverage the metal strip thingie to unlock the door, to no avail. I then saw 4 screw on the lock, so I used my pocket knife to unscrew these. I expected the lock to open up so I could see inside, but the thing didn't move at all. SO THEN, I tried to use my pocket knife to separate the lock box from the door, and it loosened a little. I pushed and pulled the lox box up and down as hard as I could and the thing finally came off. I opened the door and went back to work.

Two lessons learned: I'm too independent for my own good, and pocket knifes save lives. Or study time anyways.