Monday, April 4, 2011

Like Emotional Origamy

As with most men, it is easier for me to give hugs than to accept them,
Let the truth be known that men are nothing more than emotional skyscrapers,
Built with glass infrastructures, spray painted the color of steel and nicknamed "Strength"

Strange, isn't it?

What walking contradictions are we called men...

Men are taught to colonize at the age of 5 through games like cops and robbers, cowboys and indians
At the age of 8 we are given helmets and told to hit each other on the head with it,
Bleed but do not bleed,
Cut but do not cry,
Be a man, join the military,
Die for your country, and if death comes to you,
Look it in the eye and say:
Bring it on, mother-fucker, I fear nothing but intimacy.

When it comes to intimacy men quiver like fault lines, crumble like cities

What walking contradictions are we called men...

Men, take note, this is how you give love,
This is how you receive hugs.
Press flesh to flesh till breast crumple,
Like emotional origami.
-Mark Gonzales, As with Most Men
------------------------------------------------------------
Someone recently told me that I express myself not with words, but through my hugs (which reminded me of the poem above). I’d say there is a bit of truth to that, since I’m not one for talking about my emotions. Multiple people have told me that I give great hugs, though I can’t say what the difference is since I can never not (GASP double negative) be a part of my hugs.

Maybe that my form of emotional conversation.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Wish Upon a Clock

As childish as it may seem, every time I look at the clock and I see that it’s 11:11, I do make a wish. Today though, I had to pause and think about it.

For the past few months, EVERY 11:11 I saw, I wished the same thing: Please let me get into medical school. And now I am. That was my ultimate desire at the time, the only thing on my mind, so it was easy to come up with a wish.

For the past week, I’ve been wishing that my uncle and cousins have enough strength to get through my aunt’s imminent passing with terminal cancer. I wished my mom to help out as much as she can while she is in Japan for an indeterminate amount of time. I wished that death was easier to deal with and that one day, no one has to hear the word “terminal” outside of the airport.

After reading my mom’s e-mail that my aunt is unlikely to make it through the weekend, I wished that much harder today. But I selfishly paused, and thought, “What would I wish for now if it were different circumstances?”

And I didn’t know. Happiness? Companionship? A time machine to get through these next few weeks? Is what you wish for at 11:11 the main thing on your mind?

Honestly, I still don’t know, but I do know that feeling helpless to help a loved one is a shitty, and the feeling like I am trapped in Pittsburgh only makes it worse.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Interview and life

For all none of you who didn’t know, I had an interview at LECOM this past Friday, and here’s how it went down.
It looked like this, but with 2 feet of snow and 8 degree weather.

It was a group interview with six total people. There were 2 undergraduates, the rest had been out of school from 1-6 years, one with masters in forensic science and the others doing lab work. First question was introducing yourself, blah blah. Then the rest of the interview was more of a discussion, so forgive if it seems unorganized, because that’s how the interview felt.

During introductions, one girl mentioned that she thought preventative care was the next step in medicine due to the healthcare bill. So the “bad cop” interviewer asked her if primary care physician should be reimbursed for preventative care (exercise, proper diet, don’t do drugs, etc.) compared with a doctor who orders 10 test and get reimbursed for them all. For those of you unfamiliar with the scandalous nature of medicine, if a doctor orders a $100 test, they can tell the government to reimburse them for $200. Yes, that was an awful example but that is how it works.

Anyways, she rambled for awhile about being an idealist and in an ideal world, doctors could be reimbursed for said preventative care. I, trying to give my opinion and distinguish myself as you are supposed to do in interviews, said that 1) patient compliance would be a huge issue and 2) how do you quantify preventative care. If you tell someone to stop smoking, the most common response is “you can’t tell me what to do,” so how could you get anyone to actually follow your advice? On top of that, how can we quantify preventative care? We can see the results of 10 tests, but not 10 pieces of advice.

Then we progressed onto “is healthcare a right or a privilege?” I said that it is more of a privilege than a right, though I emphasized both perspectives. My analogy was that we would normally say freedom is a right, but if you murder someone, then you go to jail, hence your freedom is taken away, therefore freedom is also more of a privilege since it is something that can be taken. The same way that if healthcare is a right and a person abuses that by smoking, drinking, drugs, should their right be taken away?

This guy probably should have it taken away

Next was if you ever had a problem with a professor, and I said some shit about one class where the professor didn’t know the material well and there was a gap between what we were learning and what was applicable in the real world.

Then there was an ethics question about seeing someone cheating on a test, which I responded that I would talk to the person I saw cheating first, then if I thought they had a legitimate reason for why they were doing what I would consider cheating, then I would let it go but keep an eye out. Then the “bad cop” asked what if someone asked you to sign them in for a residency shift, which I responded that I would definitely not do that since other people are depending on that person to be there for his shift.

The last question (that I remember) is to describe a difficult time in your life and how you dealt with it. I described my first few weeks in Korea since that brought up both my international experience as well as my new appreciation for being a minority, being in a foreign country, how I can adapt to a foreign situation, etc. We go around the table and I’m kinda listening, but this one guy had a rambling story about his life, and then he says “I had to choose between becoming a doctor and my family, and I decided to pursue my dream.” He said that his fiancé did not want him to become a doctor since it would probably mean that they would not be able to see each other for a large amount of time, which is a reasonable response if you are about to be married. He ended his blurb with “we have separated since then.”

And I’m yelling in my mind, “WTF?????? You gave up your fiancé for a career?????” I wanted to ask him, how can anyone give up family for a career, but I decided not to since that would expose my dick-itry to the interviewers. That man either has dedication to becoming a doctor that I do not possess, or a cold heart to ignore his fiancé’s wishes. Regardless, I don’t think that he is getting in.

No idea if this is legitimate. Small y-axis though.

So now I play the waiting game. They said 30 days, but it’ll be 30 days from when my D.O. letter gets in, which I don’t think it has yet. Never been so nervous to receive news about something. If I don’t get in there, I will apply to their Florida campus probably, and then sign up for my next MCAT simultaneously. How depressing a thought that is…. One whole year of waiting, having to reapply again to everything…..

This picture is pretty accurate of how I feel about that.

Other news with my life is that I’m incredibly sick of Pittsburgh and bioengineering and eagerly awaiting to get the fuck out of here. It definitely feels like I’m just waiting around to receive a paper saying I did some shit for four years that makes ejumacated enough to have a B.S. (I think it stands for Bull Shit) degree.

2 and a half more months until I can leave, permanently, from Pittsburgh. I will be leaving behind a city a do not care about, a major that I will not use, and a whole heap of memories and bad decisions that I won’t be reminded about as frequently without the visual cues everywhere.

I will miss the people here, definitely, and this is the last few months that we will all be together in the same area. That is a depressing thought; the day I say good bye to all the great friends I made here. I’m sure I will see a few of them (and some I would rather never see again (I’m not talking about friends though (you know what I mean (I hope)))) after college has been over, but definitely not as frequently. That’s life I guess, moving on to other cities and careers, but it still makes me a sad, almost enough to put a sad emoticon (almost).

I’m ready for my next adventure, but damn it if school is getting in the way.

P.S. Suggestions for posts are always welcome. I find myself with an unnatural amount of time on my hands and there are only so many video games I can play before my head hurts (with joy).

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

You paid for parking.... For me?

If you have 16 mins to spare (don't lie to yourself, you know damn well you do), you should definitely watch this.