Friday, March 1, 2013

Study break

So there we were, me and a friend in a car. We were currently chit chatting about some girl who came to visit him from a few hours away, and I egged him on saying that she expects him to return the favor to show he is interested. He said the most classic excuse for anything in medical school: “Not now man. I just don’t have the time for a relationship with school and boards” And in the heat of the conversation, I said:

“When will you have the time? The exact HOUR we graduate? You think that our lives will magically become free and happy the day we graduate from school?”

We both paused completed stopped talking and looked at each other. We both knew I had said something that stuck us both deeply.

“Fuck man…”

We continued talking, but the thought has stuck with me a few days later after I had said it. I think 2nd year med students have this mentality that after our board exams, suddenly everything gets better and we’ll be happier people. Then, we graduate, enter our specialty, and rainbows and unicorns surround us every day as we live our life. But is that really what is going to happen?

Our lives are dominated by numbers, grades, page numbers, practice questions, review books, meetings, rotations, boards, high yield, hallmarks, drug of choice, most commons, class, mechanism of action, administrative bullshit, histology slides, presenting symptoms, age groups, causes of death….cold, hard facts. Eventually that's what everything feels like...a cold, hard fact.

When is the moment, when I stop thinking about a test score and impressing my superiors, and start worrying about my own happiness? Or am I hoping academic success will make me happy?

Don’t get me wrong, there is a certain satisfaction in getting high scores for something that you studied for or choosing the right answer that only 34% of other students chose on a practice question; but those feelings as so fleeting, because there is always another question you fuck up, a test you barely pass even though you studied for it.

It just doesn’t compare to the feeling of making someone else happy and knowing that you were able to brighten someone else’s day.

Maybe that will be the payoff in 3rd and 4th year. I’ve never really been into helping myself. If it’s something that will benefit me, I tend to delay and procrastinate it for as long as I can. Board scores are all about me. It’s so that *I* can get into a better residency and *I* can feel better about all this time I’m sinking into studying.

However, as soon as someone else is depending on me to do something, I’ll do it immediately and as fast as I can. I guess I’m just wired that way, but it does make me walk the fine line of being used and being helpful.

I don’t know where I was going with this. I guess I needed a break from studying First Aid in the same library at this fucking school in this shitty city in this state that I’m really really really sick of.

But I’ve spent too long on this. Time to get back to studying; happiness (either real or hopeful) can wait a while longer.

Friday, January 11, 2013

2012 Wrap Up

NOTE: I began writing this during the end of my break, didn’t finish or publish it because I didn’t feel like it, but was inspired by another post.

I did a year thing a while ago with just pictures, but seeing how 2012 was by and all a forgettable year since 90% of it was spent studying, but here are some random things about it without pics:

Best moment: This Christmas day, I was pretty drunk and surrounded by my mom, dad, brother and one of his good friends that I’m pretty good friends with, and I felt really really happy. Like, “true” happiness, and it was something that I hadn’t felt for a really long time while in Erie. Makes me smile thinking about it right now! Surrounded by people who both genuinely care and know me for me, not just another classmate. It made leaving that much harder. I’ll definitely spread out my “good-byes” to friends and family over the course of a few days instead of the one day marathon I did at the end of break. That sucked….
  -Close second: finally getting my fat ass to the gym and eating healthy, culminating in 27 lbs lost and a new healthier outlook on life. Next goal is to hit 10% body fat.

Worst moment: Thanksgiving. Not only was it the first time that neither my brother or I were home (my poor mom) but I got news that my friend from high school hung herself the night. I got this news a couple of hours before I had to go a Thanksgiving party, and I just kinda had to suck it up and make it through the thing. Pretty shitty couple of days afterwards as well.
  -Distant second: being rejected by the girl I’ve been chasing for a while. But that’s just stupid personal emotional stuff that should soon pass (hopefully)

Biggest regret: Not going camping over summer. WHEN WILL I GO NEXT?????
   -Close second: buying a goddamn smartphone for a lot of money when my dad gets one for my mom on the cheap by renewing our contract a few months later. What a waste.


=======
I know from personal experience that NONE of you will watch any of these videos, especially if I spam them like this, but if I had to force you to watch one, it would be the one under random video from my like list. So go watch that and then move on with your life. 

New genre of music for this year: Progressive house/electronic
    -Why? I dunno. It just tickles me the right way

Best new song I can’t get enough of: Nestae Ray, stay (Soular Order remix)
    -Why? FEELS

Best new electropop song I can’t get enough of: Jakwob –blinding (discoKungen remix)
    -Why? Dude, the line “this is the life that you prayed for, but now all of the lights are blinding you” as well as the happy beat just describes medical school so perfectly for me. I thought I would meet a lot of like-minded people who would be working towards the same goal and helping each other with our education, while still being friends outside of school (aka bioengineering, but medical classes). How wrong I was! It’s a bunch of self-centered pricks who think they are the second coming of some medical prodigy. GAH! But I like the material I’m learning, so…. yeah

Best oldie I still adore: Stevie Wonder- Yester-me, Yester-you, Yester-day
    -Why? Stevie Wonder can do no wrong

Best song I’ve heard in the past few days: Bon Iver- Skinny Love and Explosions in the Sky –Your Hand in Mine
    -Why? Dunno. They just hit me. Both are from this reddit thread

Random video from my like list: One Second Every Day
    -Some guy went on a trip for a year around the US and took 1 second of video everyday of this year. I think there are flashes of emotions and feelings that we can all relate to, and it just made for a really good video

Random video from my favs list: New World Order
    -Visually appealing with a good tune

                  
Predictions:
I will pass both boards, hopefully with a high score
Leaving Erie will be one of the best moments of the year and/or my life
Things with this girl will probably not be over as smoothly as I hope
I will be clinically depressed and want to stop everything, but I won’t give up
LECOM will royally fuck me somehow
I’ll miss someone in Erie, but won’t know how much until I leave for good
At least 2 more of my friends/family will get married
I’ll still be single at the end of the year. Fuck, this would probably work for the next 2 years HAHAHAahahahahahahahaha.....


Here's to a new year with new opportunities and challenges!


Friday, December 21, 2012

Anonymous letter reply from MLI

"I'm not interested in a relationship while in med school."

It wasn't that blunt or said with just monotony, but that was pretty much the highlight. Play by play post later? Probably not. Time to enjoy home and move on to the next one.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Anonymous letter: to MLI


"I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can." -Holden Caulfield

To MLI,

What is there to say? I've been enamored for so long now, it just seems like common place; just a part of my life where you are always on the periphery, but not so far that I can’t see you.

I’m not sure what it first was. I’ve always been a sucker for dark hair and bright eyes. And yours are so green and bright, combined with your glowing smile, what’s there not to be attracted to? Then I found out how smart you are, your love for the outdoors, and soccer knowledge; it’s a killer combination to say the least!

However, being the machine that I am, I have often thought that there is no point in starting a relation right now, especially with another med student. Where are you going to be in 4 years? Where am I going to be in 4 years? I know I want to go back to Colorado to practice medicine, but what about you? Who the fuck has the time for a relationship anyways? I barely have time for individual thoughts outside of medicine, let alone trying to spend meaningful time with another person. Hell, almost every person at our school who was married or in a serious relationship before medical school is now divorced or on another relationship. Why would it be different for us?

Honestly, I thought I was over you a couple of months ago. One very real lesson I learned in undergraduate is that if I am the one always asking to hang out, and she never does, nor feels any sort of obligation to return my favors, then she doesn’t give a shit about me. She just wants your attention, but nothing more. So I applied that to this situation as well, and I completely backed off from you; no texts, no emails, no stupid fucking small talk in the hallways.

I felt better. Not great, but better, like waking up one day and finding out that you finally got rid of that nagging back pain. THEN I got my first choice in rotation spot! THEN I got my first choice in rotation order! THEN I found out that one of my friends is also going the same area! I was on cloud 9! Things were finally looking up, and I was both ready and excited for the future!!!

But a few days later, you HAD to text me, and say, “Guess who is going to *insert rotation city* with you?”

Oh, that sinking feeling in my chest! That constriction you get when someone tells you bad news, but you’re not quite sure how to react. The thought that I couldn’t escape your green eyes and glowing smile by living in another city, and you would always be so close for the next two years, weighed on me heavily.

I started justifying it. “Well, now we’ll be in the same place for at least 2 years, there is no reason for us not to try dating. Right? Right?!?!?!?” I was second guessing my previous thoughts, and lost in comparing the pros and the cons and what if this happens but what if that happened and then we would be close but so far and what if...

Then you asked me to hang out. You showed me you cared. You said I was one of the very few people here that isn’t a shallow, childish piece of shit. You said you were really glad that I was going with you to a new city.

You smiled your glowing smile… you flashed your green eyes…

Now I’m trapped all over again.

Your helpless captive, now and for a while longer,
The Snackrifice

Monday, April 23, 2012

Mind, body, and Shenanigans


CONTEXT: My dear friend is in Australia and considering applying to DO school. I’m trying to show him my viewpoint of said philosophy and decided to share it, slightly modified. Here’s a quick excerpt/summary from Wikipedia:

Osteopathic medicine was founded by a man named A.T. Still in 1874, who decided conventional medicine (at the time, allopathic medicine aka MDs aka blood letting and leaches and all that) was insufficient to treat disease after watching 3 of his children die from spinal meningitis. He believed that the body’s health was based on the bones and fascia. The 4 basics of osteopathic medicine are:
  1. The body is a unit: mind, body, and spirit.
  2. The body possesses self-regulatory mechanisms, having the inherent capacity to defend, repair, and remodel itself.
  3. Structure and function are reciprocally inter-related.
  4. Rational therapy is based on consideration of the first three principles

 And now, to a wall of text, with some added comments for context:
================
Not sure if you know what osteopathic manipulation looks like because I know I sure as hell didn’t before my first OPP (osteopathic principles and practices) class, so here two videos.
Something I would use (start at 1:28): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1q70NMsXw2o
Border-line retarded and something I would never use (start at 1:15): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPB9LfYqFMc

(previous part of letter leading into)still on the edge about osteopathic techniques. They might work to relieve “pain,” usually musculoskeletal, but I think it’s only a temporary measure or a placebo effect. I got treated yesterday for my back pain, and it felt good for a few hours, now it hurts like a mo’fo’. That being said, is a temporary relieve from pain enough to justify learning these techniques? Is the possible placebo effect worth it if my patient’s feel like it’s helping? I can’t help but feel that I’m deceiving them, but I’ve always been a skeptic of anything that doesn’t have research supporting it. All osteopathic “research” was done in the 20s-60s and is shenanigans. I think they need a huge study on lower back pain where one group of people receive osteopathic care, one receive medications, one receive placebo medication, and one receive nothing. Then they would have to rate on pain relief, total cost/time for treatment, and how satisfied they were with their healthcare. That would show if all this stuff might be worth it, but the old guard is far too afraid of the implications if their techniques were proven to be shenanigans. Stupid in my opinion, since if the opposite is true and it does prove to decrease pain and increase patient satisfaction, maybe it would be regarded as more of a probable treatment. Right now, the only “proof” our teachers give us is anecdotal evidence of how this one time OMT cured someone of ever pain after they had been to all those silly MDs and their modern medicine. Stupid.

(After further ramblings about my life, my friends responds with an email detailing “that darkest day in osteopathy.” tl;dr: In 1962, DOs in California could buy an MD degree for $65, 86% which did, and the DO school became UC-Irvine. Now my cuss filled response.)

Yeah, we are taught that story the first day of OPP, and are forced to memorize the dates as well. We also have to know the dates of A.T. Still's birth, when he 'threw the banner of osteopathy into the wind and broke from allopathic medicine', when he opened his first school, and when he died. We also have to know who 'invented' the OMT (osteopathic manipulative techniques) we learn and they all have these little back stories too.

Yeah, I guess that is fucked up, but people are scared of change, and those MDs were afraid back then. Now that former DO school is one of the top MD schools in the nation, and I bet they make no mention of DOs. 

In fact, I bet it's safe to say that all MD schools never mention DOs or our philosophies (I almost wrote 'their philosophies'). Why? Probably cause it doesn't matter to them at all, while here at DO school, we are always told about how we are the minority and how we will have to defend ourselves and our philosophies and how we are 'more complete physicians' than MDs since we have better palpatory skills and know OMT. The president of the AOA (American Osteopathic Association) said something along the same lines. Something about maintaining an identity or some shit.

I say FUCK ALL THAT!!! Fuck being divided or separate or unique or whatever. You know how many patients give a shit if you have an MD or DO? Very little. Hell, ask a random person on the street and they'll be like 'WTF is a DO?" You know why? 'Cause there isn't a difference in a clinical setting. You walk around a hospital and you can't tell the difference. You walk around a primary care clinic, and you probably will be able to tell the difference since that's where DOs practice osteopathic techniques and people go for treatment. Why? Probably because manipulation doesn't fix any major medical problem that people are hospitalized for. 

What they don't tell you on wikipedia is that the DO match is 2 weeks before the MD match for residencies. If you get matched into a DO residency, you are automatically pulled from the MD match. So I have shitty choice ahead: do I even bother applying for DO residencies when there are only 4 in Colorado (none of which I care for), or forego the DO match and hope like hell I can match in MD? Isn't it wrong that MDs can't match into DO residencies, but we can take theirs? Why is there a difference? Why shouldn't they all be the same? Because DOs want to keep their uniqueness or some bullshit like that.

MDs and DOs should be united in helping patients, yet the current DOs in charge of both LECOM and the AOA are soooooo caught up in being unique and holding a grudge, I think they are hurting patient's in the end by trying to plant these seeds of distrust and making it more difficult for all doctors to become practicing physicians. 

I'd say over 90% of the students here are not here because they 'believe' in osteopathic medicine, but because we didn't get accepted to an MD school. Do people believe in it after being treated or learning the techniques? Sure. Hell, I've treated (my roommate) for back and rib pain, and he felt better. I've been treated and felt mildly better. That being said, I've NEVER had back or neck pain until I got 'treated' here. I think the body strikes a balance with your life style, and being treated with OMT shifts that balance, causing pain somewhere else, which once treated, will lead to pain somewhere else. Eventually, will you get all the musculoskeletal problems (called somatic dysfunction), but without lifestyle changes or posture changes or even your normal gait changes, your body is going to try and reach that balance again and then you have to be fixed again.

It’s like if I gave you a drug that you can only get with an office visit. You had no/mild pain but I told you that you had somatic dysfunction (because everyone does). Once treated, that causes pain somewhere else, which can be treated with the same drug. Eventually, you have no more somatic dysfunction. But the pain/discomfort comes back, and you have to return to me to get the drug every time you have the same pain, which is probably every week. Every office visit and treatment with this drug costs money. Aren’t you better off not being treated in the first place? Wouldn’t it be better for your body to strike that balance again?

Of course, if a patient comes in with musculoskeletal pain, and it can be ‘cured’ with OMT, I’ll do it, but I’ll try to find the root of the problem first or teach the patient how to treat themselves before I tell them to come back every time (and pay money) when they have neck pain.

I have A LOT of problems with osteopathic medicine, but it’s my personality. Unless I see it myself, or see peer reviewed evidence of it, I’ll keep questioning its validity and be skeptical when the professor tells me that this technique can help with blah blah blah or this one time no MD could help so all this DO did was crack her this way and it was all ok.

True story, one question we had on an OPP test was: a patient is having left sided chest pain which is radiating to their arm. They are also in respiratory distress. Do you: A) crack their cervical spine B) take them to the ER C,D,E)foils. You know what the answer was a couple of years ago? CRACK THEIR FUCKING CERVICALS! BECAUSE THAT’LL HELP WITH A HEART ATTACK APAPRENTLY. I say a couple of years ago because one of the non-OPP professor was like “Are you serious?!?!?! If you said you did this in front of all your fellow physicians, MDs and DOs, they would remove your license in a heartbeat since that’s not what is 1)proven 2)any other doctor would do 3) incredibly dangerous to the patient.

It’s shit like that which pisses me off. They think that OPP is this miraculous, magical, cure all when it’s not. Sure, it can help with everyday pain. But with SERIOUS medical issues? Not even close. Fuck man, not even in the same universe. I’m leaning towards ER medicine, you can bet your ass I’m not going to use OPP on my patients. Friends, family with back pain? Sure, I’m down to try and treat them, but I don’t feel like OMT is something that people should have to pay for.
==========
/end rant

First year is done in 6 weeks. Can’t say I feel any smarter or anymore prepared to have strangers trust me with their lives. I also can't say I feel any close to my peers here, but that another post (which is likely not happening anytime soon).

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Time heals all wounds or wounds all heels?

Yes, I’ve been absent since April 4th. You can also expect my posting frequency to be about the same aka only when something is bothering me and I need to let some steam off. Sorry I guess, updating this blog hasn’t been number one on my list of priorities.

This image is 100% accurate.

That being said, I felt inclined to share a disturbing thought I has while in a neuroanatomy lecture today: I relate a lot more to engineering student that I do to med students.

What prompted this thought? I dunno. It’s been a rough week and a half and it’s been completely school unrelated.

I just don’t relate to the majority of med students (here in Erie, but I’ll keep just saying med students). Straight up. I find most of them….childish. Concerned about what others think about them or trying to be friends with everybody or bitching about the amount of work or having to learn new material. It’s like fucking high school and it makes me want to vomit.

What that fuck do you think medical school is???? It’s work!!!! Awesome, great work about learning new things concerning the human body. “But that subject is hard!” they say. “I fucking know, welcome to real life. Why did you come here? Because it was going to be easy?”

This came up when I tried to find a relevant picture. It describes how I feel when I enter LECOM
On top of that, a lot of students here just lack common sense or a logical thought process when it comes to PBL cases. I know this is an engineering thought and mentality, but goddamn, I fear that some people won’t be able to look at test results and interpret what it means.

I think it comes down to one person here, who happens to be in my PBL group and I think is poison. I think she’s smart (maybe?) since she survived first semester and has a master’s in medical genetics, but she’s 29 years old and I can’t believe how childish she is.

First image googling childish. I lol-ed
We have to critique other group members about their performance on the previous case, and I told her that if she felt lost on cases (which she admitted to our facilitator about 2 minutes for I critiqued her), she should participate more in giving differentials and lab test to disprove those differentials so maybe she won’t feel lost. I admit, my choice of words was pretty poor, but instead of accepting/denying my criticism, she silently flips a FUCK and proceeds to be mad at me. Normally, I don’t give a flying shit, but the problem is that this girl is the center piece of most of the girls in PBL. She’s this blonde, Sothern, “nice” girl that I think plays dumb and innocent to have people help her out because that just what she grew up with. I also think that she is used to having guys go head-over-tail to help her in every way possible and go out of their way to please her, but you know me: no fucks given. I don’t give a shit if you have a pretty face and smile and are a sweet southern girl. I bet it annoys her to no end.

This level annoying
It’s not to say I refuse to help her; in fact, 90% of our interactions start with her saying: “Can you help me?” and I have no problem with helping her academically. (The other 10% is “Do you hate me Andy?” to which I reply “No, I just don’t emote. Get over it.”)

So what did I do with regards to the present situation? I knew she would come talk to me and say that I bothered her with my critique, so I prepared my apology in advance. When she did come talk to me a few days later (most people are predictable), I apologized for my delivery (not the content, but I didn’t tell her that). I thought it better not to ostracize all the girls in PBL so early in medical school.

Future me, but without the lame expression and paper holding. I have a backpack for that shit 
I’m still not sure how I feel about this move. I’m a blunt person, but I don’t consider myself malicious. Am I playing a part? Am I a bad person for not telling this girl that I’m not sure she should be a doctor and the only real reason I apologized to her was to ease my future group interactions?

I think one of my favorite parts of this is that on the round of critiques, one of the guys (who I found out is one of those guys who will do anything for the “popular” group of girls) said to the group that we should be more sensitive in our critiques, and seeing how I’m the only one who critiques people in areas of improvement anyways, I couldn’t help but smile. I just wanted to look at him and say, “Just tell that to me man; don’t hide by addressing the group.”

Then today, there was just a lot of underlying tension and cattiness towards other people in the group. I think I’m in the clear, but I might jump right back in the shit hole by telling the group that their high school-esque drama shouldn’t be a part of the PBL room. Act like fucking adults. You’re going to be doctors one day; you think other doctors or your superiors give a shit about hissy fits you’re having with coworkers? The patient is your main priority, not something someone said this one time that made you real mad at them for like a week.

THIS
Fuck man, I’m 22; the average age here is 26 (I’m one of the youngest student, for sure the youngest in my current group), and I’M pissed about the behavior.

Maybe I’m just homesick. Maybe I just miss my friends and family. Maybe I miss people who understand that just because I’m not smiling or declaring my never-ending love and happiness that OMFG YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER AFTER A SEMESTER OF MEDICAL SCHOOL doesn’t mean I hate you or anything like that; I’m just not one to emote. I’m not one to choose friends casually. Why I am required to be best friends with every person I meet in medical school? Or life? Some people just don’t click; get the fuck over it.

Irrelevant? Eh, I love this picture anyways




Or maybe I’m the real asshole here. Maybe I’ve become to prototypical, arrogant, piece of shit med student who looks down on others because they don’t think the way I do or read as fast or comprehend as quickly. Is this what medical school has done to me? Or rather, what I’ve let medical school do to me?



I don’t have the answer; currently that means I should start flipping through every textbook I own to try and find one.

This is one that I think only time will reveal the truth.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Like Emotional Origamy

As with most men, it is easier for me to give hugs than to accept them,
Let the truth be known that men are nothing more than emotional skyscrapers,
Built with glass infrastructures, spray painted the color of steel and nicknamed "Strength"

Strange, isn't it?

What walking contradictions are we called men...

Men are taught to colonize at the age of 5 through games like cops and robbers, cowboys and indians
At the age of 8 we are given helmets and told to hit each other on the head with it,
Bleed but do not bleed,
Cut but do not cry,
Be a man, join the military,
Die for your country, and if death comes to you,
Look it in the eye and say:
Bring it on, mother-fucker, I fear nothing but intimacy.

When it comes to intimacy men quiver like fault lines, crumble like cities

What walking contradictions are we called men...

Men, take note, this is how you give love,
This is how you receive hugs.
Press flesh to flesh till breast crumple,
Like emotional origami.
-Mark Gonzales, As with Most Men
------------------------------------------------------------
Someone recently told me that I express myself not with words, but through my hugs (which reminded me of the poem above). I’d say there is a bit of truth to that, since I’m not one for talking about my emotions. Multiple people have told me that I give great hugs, though I can’t say what the difference is since I can never not (GASP double negative) be a part of my hugs.

Maybe that my form of emotional conversation.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Wish Upon a Clock

As childish as it may seem, every time I look at the clock and I see that it’s 11:11, I do make a wish. Today though, I had to pause and think about it.

For the past few months, EVERY 11:11 I saw, I wished the same thing: Please let me get into medical school. And now I am. That was my ultimate desire at the time, the only thing on my mind, so it was easy to come up with a wish.

For the past week, I’ve been wishing that my uncle and cousins have enough strength to get through my aunt’s imminent passing with terminal cancer. I wished my mom to help out as much as she can while she is in Japan for an indeterminate amount of time. I wished that death was easier to deal with and that one day, no one has to hear the word “terminal” outside of the airport.

After reading my mom’s e-mail that my aunt is unlikely to make it through the weekend, I wished that much harder today. But I selfishly paused, and thought, “What would I wish for now if it were different circumstances?”

And I didn’t know. Happiness? Companionship? A time machine to get through these next few weeks? Is what you wish for at 11:11 the main thing on your mind?

Honestly, I still don’t know, but I do know that feeling helpless to help a loved one is a shitty, and the feeling like I am trapped in Pittsburgh only makes it worse.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Interview and life

For all none of you who didn’t know, I had an interview at LECOM this past Friday, and here’s how it went down.
It looked like this, but with 2 feet of snow and 8 degree weather.

It was a group interview with six total people. There were 2 undergraduates, the rest had been out of school from 1-6 years, one with masters in forensic science and the others doing lab work. First question was introducing yourself, blah blah. Then the rest of the interview was more of a discussion, so forgive if it seems unorganized, because that’s how the interview felt.

During introductions, one girl mentioned that she thought preventative care was the next step in medicine due to the healthcare bill. So the “bad cop” interviewer asked her if primary care physician should be reimbursed for preventative care (exercise, proper diet, don’t do drugs, etc.) compared with a doctor who orders 10 test and get reimbursed for them all. For those of you unfamiliar with the scandalous nature of medicine, if a doctor orders a $100 test, they can tell the government to reimburse them for $200. Yes, that was an awful example but that is how it works.

Anyways, she rambled for awhile about being an idealist and in an ideal world, doctors could be reimbursed for said preventative care. I, trying to give my opinion and distinguish myself as you are supposed to do in interviews, said that 1) patient compliance would be a huge issue and 2) how do you quantify preventative care. If you tell someone to stop smoking, the most common response is “you can’t tell me what to do,” so how could you get anyone to actually follow your advice? On top of that, how can we quantify preventative care? We can see the results of 10 tests, but not 10 pieces of advice.

Then we progressed onto “is healthcare a right or a privilege?” I said that it is more of a privilege than a right, though I emphasized both perspectives. My analogy was that we would normally say freedom is a right, but if you murder someone, then you go to jail, hence your freedom is taken away, therefore freedom is also more of a privilege since it is something that can be taken. The same way that if healthcare is a right and a person abuses that by smoking, drinking, drugs, should their right be taken away?

This guy probably should have it taken away

Next was if you ever had a problem with a professor, and I said some shit about one class where the professor didn’t know the material well and there was a gap between what we were learning and what was applicable in the real world.

Then there was an ethics question about seeing someone cheating on a test, which I responded that I would talk to the person I saw cheating first, then if I thought they had a legitimate reason for why they were doing what I would consider cheating, then I would let it go but keep an eye out. Then the “bad cop” asked what if someone asked you to sign them in for a residency shift, which I responded that I would definitely not do that since other people are depending on that person to be there for his shift.

The last question (that I remember) is to describe a difficult time in your life and how you dealt with it. I described my first few weeks in Korea since that brought up both my international experience as well as my new appreciation for being a minority, being in a foreign country, how I can adapt to a foreign situation, etc. We go around the table and I’m kinda listening, but this one guy had a rambling story about his life, and then he says “I had to choose between becoming a doctor and my family, and I decided to pursue my dream.” He said that his fiancé did not want him to become a doctor since it would probably mean that they would not be able to see each other for a large amount of time, which is a reasonable response if you are about to be married. He ended his blurb with “we have separated since then.”

And I’m yelling in my mind, “WTF?????? You gave up your fiancé for a career?????” I wanted to ask him, how can anyone give up family for a career, but I decided not to since that would expose my dick-itry to the interviewers. That man either has dedication to becoming a doctor that I do not possess, or a cold heart to ignore his fiancé’s wishes. Regardless, I don’t think that he is getting in.

No idea if this is legitimate. Small y-axis though.

So now I play the waiting game. They said 30 days, but it’ll be 30 days from when my D.O. letter gets in, which I don’t think it has yet. Never been so nervous to receive news about something. If I don’t get in there, I will apply to their Florida campus probably, and then sign up for my next MCAT simultaneously. How depressing a thought that is…. One whole year of waiting, having to reapply again to everything…..

This picture is pretty accurate of how I feel about that.

Other news with my life is that I’m incredibly sick of Pittsburgh and bioengineering and eagerly awaiting to get the fuck out of here. It definitely feels like I’m just waiting around to receive a paper saying I did some shit for four years that makes ejumacated enough to have a B.S. (I think it stands for Bull Shit) degree.

2 and a half more months until I can leave, permanently, from Pittsburgh. I will be leaving behind a city a do not care about, a major that I will not use, and a whole heap of memories and bad decisions that I won’t be reminded about as frequently without the visual cues everywhere.

I will miss the people here, definitely, and this is the last few months that we will all be together in the same area. That is a depressing thought; the day I say good bye to all the great friends I made here. I’m sure I will see a few of them (and some I would rather never see again (I’m not talking about friends though (you know what I mean (I hope)))) after college has been over, but definitely not as frequently. That’s life I guess, moving on to other cities and careers, but it still makes me a sad, almost enough to put a sad emoticon (almost).

I’m ready for my next adventure, but damn it if school is getting in the way.

P.S. Suggestions for posts are always welcome. I find myself with an unnatural amount of time on my hands and there are only so many video games I can play before my head hurts (with joy).

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

You paid for parking.... For me?

If you have 16 mins to spare (don't lie to yourself, you know damn well you do), you should definitely watch this.


Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Year in Pictures

Recap of the year, in pictures only:

























Saturday, December 25, 2010

Midnight thoughts on my iPod

Stream of consciousness, laying on my back in my bed, with an iPod touch, 12:30AM on Christmas day

I'm lying in bed currently, trying to type on an iPod and seriously fucking struggling to get a comfortable position to type and try to lull asleep for Christmas festivities tomorrow. I'm listening to Maybe by Kaskade, a song I picked up on YouTube that has somehow been playing nonstop in my ears sine I found it up. By the time I finish this sentence though, the music has changed to PNAU's Embrace (Remix). Every night before I fall for serious asleep, there's a good hour before I actually fall physically asleep. In this time, my mind wanders, and I'm hoping to capture some of the stupid shit that goes through my head in writing, for kicks and mostly because a have a real hard time calming my buzzing mind for sleep.

The music changes to So Far Away by Kaskade (I'm in a Kaskade heavy playlist and recently found I really like his stuff. Sue me). I pause, trying to gather my thoughts as the singer's voice starts. The lyric " everything I run from staring right back at me" sticks in my mind for some reason.

I shift to my side, the goddamn screen rotates so I get all sorts of messed up.

I stop and wonder WTF I'm doing this for. Reading this would bore the shit out of me, let alone my one lone reader Double D.

I'm just....so tired of feeling like I'm not moving forward with ANYTHING. All aspects of my life: school, health, future plans, friends, this thing we call love. It's all stagnant, just sitting still like a bowl of water that was left outside for far too long, just begging to be hit, knocked over, shot onto space, SOMETHING to break this monotony of school, rejection, application, rejection, test I don't care about, homework that teaches me nothing relevant, living like I'm waiting for someone to tell me that it's finally OK to take that step forward and start your fucking life.

Song changes to 4AM. I pause and contemplate actually posting this for the world to see. What if someone randomly finds my blog? Why do I care? This is really how I feel. Trapped in a cage, and an acceptance to medical school holds the key.

The music stops. End of the playlist. Now I feel empty without the comfort of familiar music distracting a large part of my mind.

1AM now. These 30 minutes have seemed like minute while a raged on my touchscreen about the angst I feel. Close my eyes, deep breath, clear my mind, think of what's happening today.

I start the music again with Wet Sand. Slowing down touchscreen rage. Surprised you would read this far. Even more surprised that I actually posted this.

Wide awake, hoping the night will reveal my future.

I hope I can sleep tonight....

Song ends, post ends, catharsis complete. I feel much better, ready for another day!

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Merry Christmas! Cheers to the future, which cannot come soon enough!!!!!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

When X met Y, who both met Z

Interesting conversation today. For the sake of privacy, let's say two people, X and Y, are BFF's. X and Y both like the same person, Z, who is a mutual friend. Z's a one-of-a-kind babe, so both are considering pursuing her.

Lame love triangle right? But what if X is aware that Y is interested in Z, but Y is not aware? Here's a diagram to illustrate with Jessica Alba playing the part of Z:
The person I was talking to was X, and I had no idea what to tell him. That's an uber sticky situation, if you know what I'm saying. If X made a move on Z, KNOWING that Y is interested, isn't he knowingly hurting his BFF? What if X and Z go out? Doesn't X feel guilty? How does Y react if that happens?

The alternative would be for X to do nothing, and then watch if Y makes a move on Z. How shitty is that? How does X act when he has to hang out with Y and Z? Does he suck it up for the sake of his friend's happiness?

I couldn't help him. I would have no idea what to do in that situation. Have a board meeting with everyone involved and spell it out?

I think the Wizard of Oz said it best when he said: "As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable."

Hope it works out for you X...

Monday, December 6, 2010

Sweet Vid

I love it, both as music and how it is made


Saturday, November 13, 2010

Never-Ending Blunder by Koh

Never-Ending Blunder
You look at me with eyes of longing,
For me to speak my mind.
You want to know what I'm thinking,
So all my thoughts unwind.

You desire the thoughts I keep,
But mostly what I think of you.
I wish I could tell you what you seek,
So maybe someday you'll tell me too.

A continuous cycle of silence,
We endlessly pursue.
We are always under the pretense,
Of saying, "How are you?"

It seems I'll always wonder,
If holding on to my true thoughts,
Might be my never-ending blunder.

-Koh

Sunday, October 31, 2010

This Addiction

While I was listening to the song This Addiction by Alkaline Trio, I realized that there was actually a lot of truth behind what they are saying; love and relationships are an addiction, a drug that people desire.
The end of the world as we know it

The people I know who are in relationships always seem to be in one, or if not in one, are actively and fully looking to be in another one even though they say they don't want to date for awhile. Withdrawal perhaps? Then you have my type where we date very few and very far between. It's been so long since my first girlfriend that I don't even remember what it was like having one. I just remember it being a good feeling, knowing that someone out there is probably thinking about you.

So is either option "better?" Jumping from relationship to relationship, experience the extremes of both sadness and happiness. Do people who do this seriously consider the next person they date, or just rush into it to get their addiction satisfied?

Or is it better to cruise, feeling sad-ish that you're not in a relationship and feeling those moments of happiness, but avoiding the sadness and difficulty of them? Is it better to seriously consider any relationship and likely not pursue it out of fear of rejection or getting hurt?

I guess in the end, we all just want to be wanted...

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Pocket Knife of Life

There's a bathroom right outside of the design lab that I frequently use since I'm always in lab and it's convenient. Today was no exception since I had a biochem test to study for, and massive amounts of coffee to keep me awake from last night's shenanigans.

So in this bathroom, there's a huge-ass lock that you twist to engage. I went in to the bathroom and the fucking handle to the lock falls off. I thought it was no big deal since I could just go to another bathroom, but then I realized that it locked, THEN the handle fell off. Two things went through my head: whoever put the lock handle back on when it was broken was a giant dick, and how the hell am I going to get out of this bathroom.

Now, normal people would call for help when someone passed by or use their cell phone to call someone. I didn't have my cell phone on me and I didn't want to wait for a long time for someone to get help and bust down the giant metal door. In fact, I'm pretty sure it would have involved some big torches or axes, and it just would have sucked all around. Furthermore, it would have taken forever and I had stuff to do. Incredibly stupidly in hindsight, I thought, "I wonder if I can get out of here without any help?"

I tried putting the handle back in and trying to turn it back, but it wasn't turning at all. Then I tried to grab the little metal sliver with my hands and turning it, but that wasn't working either. I then realized that I had my pocket knife, so I whipped that out and tried to leverage the metal strip thingie to unlock the door, to no avail. I then saw 4 screw on the lock, so I used my pocket knife to unscrew these. I expected the lock to open up so I could see inside, but the thing didn't move at all. SO THEN, I tried to use my pocket knife to separate the lock box from the door, and it loosened a little. I pushed and pulled the lox box up and down as hard as I could and the thing finally came off. I opened the door and went back to work.

Two lessons learned: I'm too independent for my own good, and pocket knifes save lives. Or study time anyways.