Time heals all wounds or wounds all heels?

Yes, I’ve been absent since April 4^th. You can also expect my posting frequency to be about the same aka only when something is bothering me and I need to let some steam off. Sorry I guess, updating this blog hasn’t been number one on my list of priorities.

This image is 100% accurate.

That being said, I felt inclined to share a disturbing thought I has while in a neuroanatomy lecture today: I relate a lot more to engineering student that I do to med students.

What prompted this thought? I dunno. It’s been a rough week and a half and it’s been completely school unrelated.

I just don’t relate to the majority of med students (here in Erie, but I’ll keep just saying med students). Straight up. I find most of them….childish. Concerned about what others think about them or trying to be friends with everybody or bitching about the amount of work or having to learn new material. It’s like fucking high school and it makes me want to vomit.

What that fuck do you think medical school is???? It’s work!!!! Awesome, great work about learning new things concerning the human body. “But that subject is hard!” they say. “I fucking know, welcome to real life. Why did you come here? Because it was going to be easy?”

This came up when I tried to find a relevant picture. It describes how I feel when I enter LECOM

On top of that, a lot of students here just lack common sense or a logical thought process when it comes to PBL cases. I know this is an engineering thought and mentality, but goddamn, I fear that some people won’t be able to look at test results and interpret what it means.

I think it comes down to one person here, who happens to be in my PBL group and I think is poison. I think she’s smart (maybe?) since she survived first semester and has a master’s in medical genetics, but she’s 29 years old and I can’t believe how childish she is.

First image googling childish. I lol-ed

We have to critique other group members about their performance on the previous case, and I told her that if she felt lost on cases (which she admitted to our facilitator about 2 minutes for I critiqued her), she should participate more in giving differentials and lab test to disprove those differentials so maybe she won’t feel lost. I admit, my choice of words was pretty poor, but instead of accepting/denying my criticism, she silently flips a FUCK and proceeds to be mad at me. Normally, I don’t give a flying shit, but the problem is that this girl is the center piece of most of the girls in PBL. She’s this blonde, Sothern, “nice” girl that I think plays dumb and innocent to have people help her out because that just what she grew up with. I also think that she is used to having guys go head-over-tail to help her in every way possible and go out of their way to please her, but you know me: no fucks given. I don’t give a shit if you have a pretty face and smile and are a sweet southern girl. I bet it annoys her to no end.

This level annoying

It’s not to say I refuse to help her; in fact, 90% of our interactions start with her saying: “Can you help me?” and I have no problem with helping her academically. (The other 10% is “Do you hate me Andy?” to which I reply “No, I just don’t emote. Get over it.”)

So what did I do with regards to the present situation? I knew she would come talk to me and say that I bothered her with my critique, so I prepared my apology in advance. When she did come talk to me a few days later (most people are predictable), I apologized for my delivery (not the content, but I didn’t tell her that). I thought it better not to ostracize all the girls in PBL so early in medical school.

Future me, but without the lame expression and paper holding. I have a backpack for that shit 

I’m still not sure how I feel about this move. I’m a blunt person, but I don’t consider myself malicious. Am I playing a part? Am I a bad person for not telling this girl that I’m not sure she should be a doctor and the only real reason I apologized to her was to ease my future group interactions?

I think one of my favorite parts of this is that on the round of critiques, one of the guys (who I found out is one of those guys who will do anything for the “popular” group of girls) said to the group that we should be more sensitive in our critiques, and seeing how I’m the only one who critiques people in areas of improvement anyways, I couldn’t help but smile. I just wanted to look at him and say, “Just tell that to me man; don’t hide by addressing the group.”

Then today, there was just a lot of underlying tension and cattiness towards other people in the group. I think I’m in the clear, but I might jump right back in the shit hole by telling the group that their high school-esque drama shouldn’t be a part of the PBL room. Act like fucking adults. You’re going to be doctors one day; you think other doctors or your superiors give a shit about hissy fits you’re having with coworkers? The patient is your main priority, not something someone said this one time that made you real mad at them for like a week.

THIS

Fuck man, I’m 22; the average age here is 26 (I’m one of the youngest student, for sure the youngest in my current group), and I’M pissed about the behavior.

Maybe I’m just homesick. Maybe I just miss my friends and family. Maybe I miss people who understand that just because I’m not smiling or declaring my never-ending love and happiness that OMFG YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER AFTER A SEMESTER OF MEDICAL SCHOOL doesn’t mean I hate you or anything like that; I’m just not one to emote. I’m not one to choose friends casually. Why I am required to be best friends with every person I meet in medical school? Or life? Some people just don’t click; get the fuck over it.

Irrelevant? Eh, I love this picture anyways

Or maybe I’m the real asshole here. Maybe I’ve become to prototypical, arrogant, piece of shit med student who looks down on others because they don’t think the way I do or read as fast or comprehend as quickly. Is this what medical school has done to me? Or rather, what I’ve let medical school do to me?

I don’t have the answer; currently that means I should start flipping through every textbook I own to try and find one.

This is one that I think only time will reveal the truth.

Like Emotional Origamy

As with most men, it is easier for me to give hugs than to accept them,
Let the truth be known that men are nothing more than emotional skyscrapers,
Built with glass infrastructures, spray painted the color of steel and nicknamed "Strength"

Strange, isn't it?

What walking contradictions are we called men...

Men are taught to colonize at the age of 5 through games like cops and robbers, cowboys and indians
At the age of 8 we are given helmets and told to hit each other on the head with it,
Bleed but do not bleed,
Cut but do not cry,
Be a man, join the military,
Die for your country, and if death comes to you,
Look it in the eye and say:
Bring it on, mother-fucker, I fear nothing but intimacy.

When it comes to intimacy men quiver like fault lines, crumble like cities

What walking contradictions are we called men...

Men, take note, this is how you give love,
This is how you receive hugs.
Press flesh to flesh till breast crumple,
Like emotional origami.
-Mark Gonzales, As with Most Men

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Someone recently told me that I express myself not with words, but through my hugs (which reminded me of the poem above). I’d say there is a bit of truth to that, since I’m not one for talking about my emotions. Multiple people have told me that I give great hugs, though I can’t say what the difference is since I can never not (GASP double negative) be a part of my hugs.

Maybe that my form of emotional conversation.

Wish Upon a Clock

As childish as it may seem, every time I look at the clock and I see that it’s 11:11, I do make a wish. Today though, I had to pause and think about it.

For the past few months, EVERY 11:11 I saw, I wished the same thing: Please let me get into medical school. And now I am. That was my ultimate desire at the time, the only thing on my mind, so it was easy to come up with a wish.

For the past week, I’ve been wishing that my uncle and cousins have enough strength to get through my aunt’s imminent passing with terminal cancer. I wished my mom to help out as much as she can while she is in Japan for an indeterminate amount of time. I wished that death was easier to deal with and that one day, no one has to hear the word “terminal” outside of the airport.

After reading my mom’s e-mail that my aunt is unlikely to make it through the weekend, I wished that much harder today. But I selfishly paused, and thought, “What would I wish for now if it were different circumstances?”

And I didn’t know. Happiness? Companionship? A time machine to get through these next few weeks? Is what you wish for at 11:11 the main thing on your mind?

Honestly, I still don’t know, but I do know that feeling helpless to help a loved one is a shitty, and the feeling like I am trapped in Pittsburgh only makes it worse.

Interview and life

For all none of you who didn’t know, I had an interview at LECOM this past Friday, and here’s how it went down.

It looked like this, but with 2 feet of snow and 8 degree weather.

It was a group interview with six total people. There were 2 undergraduates, the rest had been out of school from 1-6 years, one with masters in forensic science and the others doing lab work. First question was introducing yourself, blah blah. Then the rest of the interview was more of a discussion, so forgive if it seems unorganized, because that’s how the interview felt.

During introductions, one girl mentioned that she thought preventative care was the next step in medicine due to the healthcare bill. So the “bad cop” interviewer asked her if primary care physician should be reimbursed for preventative care (exercise, proper diet, don’t do drugs, etc.) compared with a doctor who orders 10 test and get reimbursed for them all. For those of you unfamiliar with the scandalous nature of medicine, if a doctor orders a $100 test, they can tell the government to reimburse them for $200. Yes, that was an awful example but that is how it works.

Anyways, she rambled for awhile about being an idealist and in an ideal world, doctors could be reimbursed for said preventative care. I, trying to give my opinion and distinguish myself as you are supposed to do in interviews, said that 1) patient compliance would be a huge issue and 2) how do you quantify preventative care. If you tell someone to stop smoking, the most common response is “you can’t tell me what to do,” so how could you get anyone to actually follow your advice? On top of that, how can we quantify preventative care? We can see the results of 10 tests, but not 10 pieces of advice.

Then we progressed onto “is healthcare a right or a privilege?” I said that it is more of a privilege than a right, though I emphasized both perspectives. My analogy was that we would normally say freedom is a right, but if you murder someone, then you go to jail, hence your freedom is taken away, therefore freedom is also more of a privilege since it is something that can be taken. The same way that if healthcare is a right and a person abuses that by smoking, drinking, drugs, should their right be taken away?

This guy probably should have it taken away

Next was if you ever had a problem with a professor, and I said some shit about one class where the professor didn’t know the material well and there was a gap between what we were learning and what was applicable in the real world.

Then there was an ethics question about seeing someone cheating on a test, which I responded that I would talk to the person I saw cheating first, then if I thought they had a legitimate reason for why they were doing what I would consider cheating, then I would let it go but keep an eye out. Then the “bad cop” asked what if someone asked you to sign them in for a residency shift, which I responded that I would definitely not do that since other people are depending on that person to be there for his shift.

The last question (that I remember) is to describe a difficult time in your life and how you dealt with it. I described my first few weeks in Korea since that brought up both my international experience as well as my new appreciation for being a minority, being in a foreign country, how I can adapt to a foreign situation, etc. We go around the table and I’m kinda listening, but this one guy had a rambling story about his life, and then he says “I had to choose between becoming a doctor and my family, and I decided to pursue my dream.” He said that his fiancé did not want him to become a doctor since it would probably mean that they would not be able to see each other for a large amount of time, which is a reasonable response if you are about to be married. He ended his blurb with “we have separated since then.”

And I’m yelling in my mind, “WTF?????? You gave up your fiancé for a career?????” I wanted to ask him, how can anyone give up family for a career, but I decided not to since that would expose my dick-itry to the interviewers. That man either has dedication to becoming a doctor that I do not possess, or a cold heart to ignore his fiancé’s wishes. Regardless, I don’t think that he is getting in.

No idea if this is legitimate. Small y-axis though.

So now I play the waiting game. They said 30 days, but it’ll be 30 days from when my D.O. letter gets in, which I don’t think it has yet. Never been so nervous to receive news about something. If I don’t get in there, I will apply to their Florida campus probably, and then sign up for my next MCAT simultaneously. How depressing a thought that is…. One whole year of waiting, having to reapply again to everything…..

This picture is pretty accurate of how I feel about that.

Other news with my life is that I’m incredibly sick of Pittsburgh and bioengineering and eagerly awaiting to get the fuck out of here. It definitely feels like I’m just waiting around to receive a paper saying I did some shit for four years that makes ejumacated enough to have a B.S. (I think it stands for Bull Shit) degree.

2 and a half more months until I can leave, permanently, from Pittsburgh. I will be leaving behind a city a do not care about, a major that I will not use, and a whole heap of memories and bad decisions that I won’t be reminded about as frequently without the visual cues everywhere.

I will miss the people here, definitely, and this is the last few months that we will all be together in the same area. That is a depressing thought; the day I say good bye to all the great friends I made here. I’m sure I will see a few of them (and some I would rather never see again (I’m not talking about friends though (you know what I mean (I hope)))) after college has been over, but definitely not as frequently. That’s life I guess, moving on to other cities and careers, but it still makes me a sad, almost enough to put a sad emoticon (almost).

I’m ready for my next adventure, but damn it if school is getting in the way.

P.S. Suggestions for posts are always welcome. I find myself with an unnatural amount of time on my hands and there are only so many video games I can play before my head hurts (with joy).

You paid for parking.... For me?

If you have 16 mins to spare (don't lie to yourself, you know damn well you do), you should definitely watch this.

The Year in Pictures

Recap of the year, in pictures only:

Midnight thoughts on my iPod

Stream of consciousness, laying on my back in my bed, with an iPod touch, 12:30AM on Christmas day

I'm lying in bed currently, trying to type on an iPod and seriously fucking struggling to get a comfortable position to type and try to lull asleep for Christmas festivities tomorrow. I'm listening to Maybe by Kaskade, a song I picked up on YouTube that has somehow been playing nonstop in my ears sine I found it up. By the time I finish this sentence though, the music has changed to PNAU's Embrace (Remix). Every night before I fall for serious asleep, there's a good hour before I actually fall physically asleep. In this time, my mind wanders, and I'm hoping to capture some of the stupid shit that goes through my head in writing, for kicks and mostly because a have a real hard time calming my buzzing mind for sleep.

The music changes to So Far Away by Kaskade (I'm in a Kaskade heavy playlist and recently found I really like his stuff. Sue me). I pause, trying to gather my thoughts as the singer's voice starts. The lyric " everything I run from staring right back at me" sticks in my mind for some reason.

I shift to my side, the goddamn screen rotates so I get all sorts of messed up.

I stop and wonder WTF I'm doing this for. Reading this would bore the shit out of me, let alone my one lone reader Double D.

I'm just....so tired of feeling like I'm not moving forward with ANYTHING. All aspects of my life: school, health, future plans, friends, this thing we call love. It's all stagnant, just sitting still like a bowl of water that was left outside for far too long, just begging to be hit, knocked over, shot onto space, SOMETHING to break this monotony of school, rejection, application, rejection, test I don't care about, homework that teaches me nothing relevant, living like I'm waiting for someone to tell me that it's finally OK to take that step forward and start your fucking life.

Song changes to 4AM. I pause and contemplate actually posting this for the world to see. What if someone randomly finds my blog? Why do I care? This is really how I feel. Trapped in a cage, and an acceptance to medical school holds the key.

The music stops. End of the playlist. Now I feel empty without the comfort of familiar music distracting a large part of my mind.

1AM now. These 30 minutes have seemed like minute while a raged on my touchscreen about the angst I feel. Close my eyes, deep breath, clear my mind, think of what's happening today.

I start the music again with Wet Sand. Slowing down touchscreen rage. Surprised you would read this far. Even more surprised that I actually posted this.

Wide awake, hoping the night will reveal my future.

I hope I can sleep tonight....

Song ends, post ends, catharsis complete. I feel much better, ready for another day!

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Merry Christmas! Cheers to the future, which cannot come soon enough!!!!!